As I sit here, it is about 10 minutes after 11 PM on November 25th, 2013. I am sitting in the same county & state I was born in. Before the end of the calendar year, I am facing 2 more birthdays. (Only one of them is mine; The other belongs to either my 3rd nephew or my 1st niece.)
As I approach my birthday (&, coincidentally, the end of the actual calendar) every year, I tend to do some quick Math in my head. I have spent easily 95-plus % of my life in the USA, & I’d estimate an easy 90-plus % in the state of Ohio. I mention all this because it was in the house I grew up in (also in this county, where many of the current residents are “blood relatives”) a few years back that I first spoke of the idea of eventually becoming President. I’ve got about a half-decade before I will be old enough to legally take that position, but since I meet all the other rules &/or requirements, I have not entirely ruled it out.
It was roughly 2 weeks ago I started seriously considering such things more than I have in a long time. I was watching the Steelers play football on TV. (I still remember my best friend telling me that he was a fan of Pittsburgh sports teams over 2 decades ago, & I said the same. Now, he lives in Massachusetts, & while I didn’t become a Steelers fan until we were both in high school, I have no idea what teams he currently supports.)
I started thinking about the remaining majority of my week, most of which was open. I considered spending some of the time at the movies, shopping, or just “killing time” at the local Mall. I figured that if “my” Steelers won that day, I’d possibly wear one of my team shirts wherever I went the next day. I also thought that anyone who supported the team we were then facing could also wear that team’s apparel to the same place the same day no matter the outcome of the game, & neither of us could legally say or do anything to the other claiming the action/speech was spurred by the clothing.
The majority of the time I have seen such things discussed (admittedly, this is most-often fictional series/films), the person(s) claim it is part of their Constitutionally-given “freedom of speech”. This often makes me laugh; While I’m known to say, “You’ll never find a bigger defender of people’s right to their opinion than me”, I take it into account that when exercising their “freedom of speech” in this way, there is very-rarely any speaking actually done.
Around the time of this particular game, it hit me that I have a problem with people exercising this right & others like it. I remain a staunch defender of people’s right to their individual opinions (a quote I read from Voltaire in Freshman Year of high school comes to mind offhand); On that day, I recall myself saying that “People don’t exercise that right enough.” (Here, I wish I could repeat the examples I listed that week. While my stances don’t often change, my memory comes-&-goes like soda cans.)
I believe I’ve covered that side of things enough… For now, at least. Let us look at the other side: When people exercise rights they should (&, I believe, do) not have.
I am, as I said before, a legal adult citizen of the contiguous United States. I graduated high school over a decade ago, & have never been even a suspect in any illegal activity. (As I’ve come to say it, “I regularly watch ‘Person Of Interest’, but have no history of being nor want to become one.”)
After yesterday’s Steelers game, I realized I had the entire week open, & so was considering things I might do this week. (Basically the same list I made earlier.) Before I fell asleep, however, I crossed all possibilities off of my list, thinking I would have to first call & ask a question of my “legal guardian”, requiring me to be home the rest of the day to wait for a call back.
I spent a lot of this afternoon, therefore, “napping”. This is not because I was tired, but because I had forgotten Last Night’s List, & my “guardian” had answered my question when I originally called him this morning.
Part of me is surprised he was available, & actually willing to speak with me personally. Further, part of me is even more surprised (albeit pleasantly so) by some of the answers he gave me. Regardless, the vast majority of me is wondering why I cannot seem to end our connection to each other by the end of this calendar year, & above that, why this connection was ever begun.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Choose My Own Adventure
If you've been reading my blogs (even just those on WordPress) with any regularity, you might get the feeling I am very-often depressed. I am not meaning for that to happen; Trust me that I am well-aware a blog about a depressing life might be just as depressing (if not more so) for those who come to visit &/or read it. However, in much the same way it is popularly said that "Perception is 9-10ths of reality", I mainly blog about what my life is about/is for/includes, & the fact is I have been very depressed since around Labor Day, if not before.
Even so, I have been to my share of "counselors", psychiatrists, psychologists, & who all knows what else in the past decade-or-so. While I have already mentioned in these blogs I've learned that they can't discuss with others my various writing projects & things I discuss with them, I also learned firsthand years ago that things I say in "sessions" with them can be used to send me straight to the Psych Ward of the local hospital. While I have been there-&-home-again at least twice, always with the "OK" from a "medical pro" (not breaking-out like a character I once saw on an episode of "Burn Notice", played by an actor named Michael Weston, pronounced & almost spelled the exact-same as the lead character on the show), that does not mean I am in any mood to go back.
Since I wrote about seeing her the last time, I have called to make another appointment with that same counselor, thinking she (like her predecessor) would help me work on my depression. I went to that appointment last week, & rather than even attempt to work on that, she continued asking me the same one question, claiming she couldn't "work with" me until we answered it. To this minute, I honestly have yet to answer it.
Regardless (it seems I therefore may not go back again), I have realized simply enough the one way to continue living with basically the same amount of freedom I usually have (to read what I want, watch what I want, listen to the still-unplayed CDs I bought months ago, but avoid the hospital) is mainly to continually enact a bit of deception. (I admit this may have a lot to do with the fact I just watched episodes of "Burn Notice" & "Leverage" back-to-back, & am currently reading a book I mentioned in a previous blog by former FBI fugitive Kevin Mitnick.) I don't mean lying to anyone; Simply not telling them I don't see a point to living, etc.
The only problem there is it appears to lead me to a complication... When I have a conversation with extended-family relatives or so-called "medical professionals" where I don't mention my lack of "will to live", they inevitably ask me what I've been doing lately. Reading a paperback & checking my blood-sugar is "all well & good" (not to mention perfectly legal & healthy), but again, quite boring. What do I do to kill time & have something to tell them then?...
...The reason I left the ellipses there is because I can't answer that question. Rather, I could, but it has potentially enough answers to fill a whole 'nother blog. I get to, as I've come to sometimes refer to it, "choose my own adventure" there. Sure; I admit that sometimes means walking to the Mall, which I tend to do as regularly as once-a-week. However, once inside, there are potentially dozens of stores I have never set a single step into. As the saying goes, "There's a first time for everything." (There is one store in our Mall I used to avoid on purpose. Eventually, I walked in, telling myself I was just going in there "for book research," to have things ready I could write about other people/stores characters I had begun writing stories about might experience. Now, I have a near-full "active shopper" card for that same store, along with a keychain "fob" & at least 1 T-shirt I bought there.)
Ever since just about the day I was first told I was Diabetic, I preferred to have something to look forward to, a reason why I was multiple-times-a-day taking insulin shots, and taking other steps to care for a disease I've never believed I had. It could be the local "Rib Burn-Off", where I have yet to bite into a single rib, but which was once home to national bands like Gin Blossoms. It could be a wrestling event or basketball game in Cleveland. Often, a decent-looking TV premiere would be enough for me to consider "worth it". (Sure, there were times I was disappointed by the event... But by then, that means it was over, & I had to look for the next upcoming thing on my calendar.) Now, I similarly often find myself looking for future events. Since I often find my next several events are doctors' appointments, I replace those in my head with the open time I have surrounding them, which are mine to fill as I see fit.
As my way of repaying any regular readers for boring them with my recent blogs, join me in this exercise. Unlike me typing, you don't need your hands to read my blog... So everyone reading it, raise your hand (any of them; I won't know or care which) if you've yet to climb a mountain. Cool; Now, keep it up there if you know for a fact you couldn't do it. My eyes are decent, according to my ophthalmologist, but there better not be anyone out there I could potentially see with a hand up now! The only reason you know you can't do it is if you don't have any hands! Maybe you tried unsuccessfully, for instance, to climb Everest or "K2"; That's cool, & just means you need to pick a smaller one next time.
Off to the side, I'll admit I used to go to the local "Relay For Life" when I was in school. My Grandmother was a cancer survivor, I believe. After I was diagnosed Diabetic, however, I stopped. Don't get me wrong; I'm not supporting cancer, or anything like that! However, last I checked, cancer & Diabetes were both diseases without "sure-thing" cures. I still get upset whenever I read about Wahoo McDaniel or another celebrity who dies from "complications of diabetes"; Even so, I'm betting (if I believe the popular idea I have Diabetes, which I honestly never have to this second) that it or "complications from" it will be what kills me. That means I can fill the rest of the time attempting to cross busy local streets with my shoes untied, eating things I can't identify (going against a rule I've long held myself to), or any number of various other things.
Odds are if you read this, & especially if you've done so this far, that means you know me &/or where I live. Just know I have the vast majority of this week open, & will be filling it with the things listed above & who all knows what else. If you feel the need, come on down & try to stop me. I'll be up late, sampling my old Fall Out Boy CD (especially "Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying...").
Even so, I have been to my share of "counselors", psychiatrists, psychologists, & who all knows what else in the past decade-or-so. While I have already mentioned in these blogs I've learned that they can't discuss with others my various writing projects & things I discuss with them, I also learned firsthand years ago that things I say in "sessions" with them can be used to send me straight to the Psych Ward of the local hospital. While I have been there-&-home-again at least twice, always with the "OK" from a "medical pro" (not breaking-out like a character I once saw on an episode of "Burn Notice", played by an actor named Michael Weston, pronounced & almost spelled the exact-same as the lead character on the show), that does not mean I am in any mood to go back.
Since I wrote about seeing her the last time, I have called to make another appointment with that same counselor, thinking she (like her predecessor) would help me work on my depression. I went to that appointment last week, & rather than even attempt to work on that, she continued asking me the same one question, claiming she couldn't "work with" me until we answered it. To this minute, I honestly have yet to answer it.
Regardless (it seems I therefore may not go back again), I have realized simply enough the one way to continue living with basically the same amount of freedom I usually have (to read what I want, watch what I want, listen to the still-unplayed CDs I bought months ago, but avoid the hospital) is mainly to continually enact a bit of deception. (I admit this may have a lot to do with the fact I just watched episodes of "Burn Notice" & "Leverage" back-to-back, & am currently reading a book I mentioned in a previous blog by former FBI fugitive Kevin Mitnick.) I don't mean lying to anyone; Simply not telling them I don't see a point to living, etc.
The only problem there is it appears to lead me to a complication... When I have a conversation with extended-family relatives or so-called "medical professionals" where I don't mention my lack of "will to live", they inevitably ask me what I've been doing lately. Reading a paperback & checking my blood-sugar is "all well & good" (not to mention perfectly legal & healthy), but again, quite boring. What do I do to kill time & have something to tell them then?...
...The reason I left the ellipses there is because I can't answer that question. Rather, I could, but it has potentially enough answers to fill a whole 'nother blog. I get to, as I've come to sometimes refer to it, "choose my own adventure" there. Sure; I admit that sometimes means walking to the Mall, which I tend to do as regularly as once-a-week. However, once inside, there are potentially dozens of stores I have never set a single step into. As the saying goes, "There's a first time for everything." (There is one store in our Mall I used to avoid on purpose. Eventually, I walked in, telling myself I was just going in there "for book research," to have things ready I could write about other people/stores characters I had begun writing stories about might experience. Now, I have a near-full "active shopper" card for that same store, along with a keychain "fob" & at least 1 T-shirt I bought there.)
Ever since just about the day I was first told I was Diabetic, I preferred to have something to look forward to, a reason why I was multiple-times-a-day taking insulin shots, and taking other steps to care for a disease I've never believed I had. It could be the local "Rib Burn-Off", where I have yet to bite into a single rib, but which was once home to national bands like Gin Blossoms. It could be a wrestling event or basketball game in Cleveland. Often, a decent-looking TV premiere would be enough for me to consider "worth it". (Sure, there were times I was disappointed by the event... But by then, that means it was over, & I had to look for the next upcoming thing on my calendar.) Now, I similarly often find myself looking for future events. Since I often find my next several events are doctors' appointments, I replace those in my head with the open time I have surrounding them, which are mine to fill as I see fit.
As my way of repaying any regular readers for boring them with my recent blogs, join me in this exercise. Unlike me typing, you don't need your hands to read my blog... So everyone reading it, raise your hand (any of them; I won't know or care which) if you've yet to climb a mountain. Cool; Now, keep it up there if you know for a fact you couldn't do it. My eyes are decent, according to my ophthalmologist, but there better not be anyone out there I could potentially see with a hand up now! The only reason you know you can't do it is if you don't have any hands! Maybe you tried unsuccessfully, for instance, to climb Everest or "K2"; That's cool, & just means you need to pick a smaller one next time.
Off to the side, I'll admit I used to go to the local "Relay For Life" when I was in school. My Grandmother was a cancer survivor, I believe. After I was diagnosed Diabetic, however, I stopped. Don't get me wrong; I'm not supporting cancer, or anything like that! However, last I checked, cancer & Diabetes were both diseases without "sure-thing" cures. I still get upset whenever I read about Wahoo McDaniel or another celebrity who dies from "complications of diabetes"; Even so, I'm betting (if I believe the popular idea I have Diabetes, which I honestly never have to this second) that it or "complications from" it will be what kills me. That means I can fill the rest of the time attempting to cross busy local streets with my shoes untied, eating things I can't identify (going against a rule I've long held myself to), or any number of various other things.
Odds are if you read this, & especially if you've done so this far, that means you know me &/or where I live. Just know I have the vast majority of this week open, & will be filling it with the things listed above & who all knows what else. If you feel the need, come on down & try to stop me. I'll be up late, sampling my old Fall Out Boy CD (especially "Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying...").
Friday, November 8, 2013
Can I Get What I Have?!
Fact: I have a big head.
I don't mean I have an ego. While I admit to having often said aloud remarks about how smart I am, creative I am, etc., I believe the vast majority of the traits I have mentioned myself having are things that can be proven, & I see nothing wrong with mentioning them when spending a half-hour with me would get people who were previously "complete strangers" to honestly say the same thing.
No. What I mean is I physically, visibly, have a big head. I have heard this from people (including the aforementioned "complete strangers") for literally decades. As I recall, I have very-rarely heard, "Your head is HUGE!". It's usually been a comment more like "How did your head get so big?" or "Why is your head so big?". However, the fact is that, from both kids & adults (including in both cases people my age & older-or-younger), I have heard many comments & questions about my head. I also still presently own two Dallas Cowboy "baseball caps" (from the Troy Aikman days; Don't really care about Tony Romo) that never, ever fit me.
However, it was at-most a year ago I found that I had a growth atop my head. I am in this case not referring to either of my shunts (things attached by other humans to my head due to a neurological condition I have been diagnosed with for much of my life), both of which are located on the back of my head (& one of which I still use as the primary sign I need to get a haircut). I am referring to things I can think to refer to in no better way. They are simply growths on my head; They appear to serve no purpose, & decent work with a fingernail (even while watching a TV show or one of my many wrestling DVDs) seems to rid of much of it no problem.
Therefore, I called the number of a dermatologist I first went to years ago. (He had already operated on my torso years ago, & his family, largely different sorts of doctors, were some level of "friends" with my parents.) I was told he was gone, but there was a new dermatologist filling the same office. I was transferred to that phone number, & made an appointment.
I went to that appointment, & the guy gave me a simplistic explanation for the problem; Not the size of my head (which I have always "chalked up" to the neurological issue, & often jokingly blamed on my metaphorically-larger brain &/or IQ) but the recent increased growth. He then gave me prescriptions & (no joke) a combination advertisement-coupon for a special kind of shampoo he wanted me to pick up & begin using on a very-specific schedule. I did all that, & went to see him a few months later.
When I went back to see him & he asked me if there were any problems, I smiled & said, "No," very-happily reporting that it all seemed to have (largely, anyway) gone away. I expected that he would surely be happy, & we'd say "Goodbye" to each other, perhaps never seeing each other again. Instead, this man surprised me; He took the idea of "If it (his treatment plan) ain't (wasn't) broke,...", & suggested I continue with the special shampoos, etc.
As I said in my previous blog, I have grown up with a near-constant thought/feeling of "Fool/Cuff me once, shame on you...". Naturally, this was not the case when I was younger, which I suspect is a major reason why the vast majority of my graduating Class (if asked tomorrow) would say we were not actively friends, & I have not spoken to a great deal of them in a decade, but we never had problems with each other or any negative feelings towards each other...
...However, this has changed since I was about 18, the age I was at when first diagnosed as a Diabetic. [I believe that occurrence to be a main reason why. However, to those who may still believe I am a Diabetic, I say it is a change that comes with adulthood, as in my many years of watching court shows ("Judge Mathis", etc.) & fictional law shows ("Law & Order", etc.), I have always remained unsure what the legal adult age is, & reading about cases in the news/online, it appears that may even change depending on what crime you are charged with/believed to have committed.]
Now, I seem to trust/distrust people largely as a group based on the single first experience. For instance, ever since that first person told me I was diabetic over a dozen years ago (it was in a hospital, so I don't recall a specific doctor's name), I have often automatically believed that most doctors will say just about anything (diagnoses, referrals, tests, medication-prescriptions) that they think/know will get them more money. Not recalling exactly when the first appointment with this dermatologist was, I may (for all anyone knows) have been ready to start believing the vast majority of my doctors again at that time. However, the way this man has acted in his only-doctor-patient relationship with me, he has (as one might say) "ruined it for the rest of" them.
I don't mean I have an ego. While I admit to having often said aloud remarks about how smart I am, creative I am, etc., I believe the vast majority of the traits I have mentioned myself having are things that can be proven, & I see nothing wrong with mentioning them when spending a half-hour with me would get people who were previously "complete strangers" to honestly say the same thing.
No. What I mean is I physically, visibly, have a big head. I have heard this from people (including the aforementioned "complete strangers") for literally decades. As I recall, I have very-rarely heard, "Your head is HUGE!". It's usually been a comment more like "How did your head get so big?" or "Why is your head so big?". However, the fact is that, from both kids & adults (including in both cases people my age & older-or-younger), I have heard many comments & questions about my head. I also still presently own two Dallas Cowboy "baseball caps" (from the Troy Aikman days; Don't really care about Tony Romo) that never, ever fit me.
However, it was at-most a year ago I found that I had a growth atop my head. I am in this case not referring to either of my shunts (things attached by other humans to my head due to a neurological condition I have been diagnosed with for much of my life), both of which are located on the back of my head (& one of which I still use as the primary sign I need to get a haircut). I am referring to things I can think to refer to in no better way. They are simply growths on my head; They appear to serve no purpose, & decent work with a fingernail (even while watching a TV show or one of my many wrestling DVDs) seems to rid of much of it no problem.
Therefore, I called the number of a dermatologist I first went to years ago. (He had already operated on my torso years ago, & his family, largely different sorts of doctors, were some level of "friends" with my parents.) I was told he was gone, but there was a new dermatologist filling the same office. I was transferred to that phone number, & made an appointment.
I went to that appointment, & the guy gave me a simplistic explanation for the problem; Not the size of my head (which I have always "chalked up" to the neurological issue, & often jokingly blamed on my metaphorically-larger brain &/or IQ) but the recent increased growth. He then gave me prescriptions & (no joke) a combination advertisement-coupon for a special kind of shampoo he wanted me to pick up & begin using on a very-specific schedule. I did all that, & went to see him a few months later.
When I went back to see him & he asked me if there were any problems, I smiled & said, "No," very-happily reporting that it all seemed to have (largely, anyway) gone away. I expected that he would surely be happy, & we'd say "Goodbye" to each other, perhaps never seeing each other again. Instead, this man surprised me; He took the idea of "If it (his treatment plan) ain't (wasn't) broke,...", & suggested I continue with the special shampoos, etc.
As I said in my previous blog, I have grown up with a near-constant thought/feeling of "Fool/Cuff me once, shame on you...". Naturally, this was not the case when I was younger, which I suspect is a major reason why the vast majority of my graduating Class (if asked tomorrow) would say we were not actively friends, & I have not spoken to a great deal of them in a decade, but we never had problems with each other or any negative feelings towards each other...
...However, this has changed since I was about 18, the age I was at when first diagnosed as a Diabetic. [I believe that occurrence to be a main reason why. However, to those who may still believe I am a Diabetic, I say it is a change that comes with adulthood, as in my many years of watching court shows ("Judge Mathis", etc.) & fictional law shows ("Law & Order", etc.), I have always remained unsure what the legal adult age is, & reading about cases in the news/online, it appears that may even change depending on what crime you are charged with/believed to have committed.]
Now, I seem to trust/distrust people largely as a group based on the single first experience. For instance, ever since that first person told me I was diabetic over a dozen years ago (it was in a hospital, so I don't recall a specific doctor's name), I have often automatically believed that most doctors will say just about anything (diagnoses, referrals, tests, medication-prescriptions) that they think/know will get them more money. Not recalling exactly when the first appointment with this dermatologist was, I may (for all anyone knows) have been ready to start believing the vast majority of my doctors again at that time. However, the way this man has acted in his only-doctor-patient relationship with me, he has (as one might say) "ruined it for the rest of" them.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
(Anti-)"Social Media"
Just a note, first ("for starters"), to anyone who might be a user of "social media" (Facebook, Twitter, Google-Plus, etc.): So am I. This blog, despite what the title may lead you to believe, will not be one against the use of any social media.
I try to keep my real first-&-last names off my blogs... [I've been hacked a few times, and as the fictional Richard Castle (@nathanfillion; I "follow" him on Twitter) says in the pilot, "Cuff me once, shame on you...".] However. if you know them & care to look on Facebook or Twitter, you will find me on both. (Fact: I remain rather active on Twitter, & apparently added a new "friend" on Facebook recently I actually was in-person friends with a-decade-plus ago, but the me typing this blog has no actual access to the F-book account, leaving my sister to often read me a list of Facebook "friends" who leave me birthday wishes.)
Anyway, let me tell you what I've been up to in the few-weeks-or-so since I posted my last blog: Reading. That may sound boring to some of you, but it's actually been rather enjoyable for me. As you've probably "gotten" from my past blogs, I had a lot of doctors' (not sure where the apostrophe should go in that case) appointments in a little bit of time, so it was especially nice for me to be able to decide how to fill my time when I've had a seemingly-related break from them since. (I admittedly spent a ton of it sleeping, but I often found myself simply enjoying the fact I didn't have to be awake, doing laundry, etc.)
My family will probably admit that I've been doing more reading than many my age for a long time. Honestly, I read it once in a book by a still-active author (Stephen King) that “If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.” [The book was, ironically (no joke) called, "On Writing."] At the time, I thought that was a bunch of crap. Honestly, though, in the time I have been sort of "taking off" from writing (I have been "printed several times, but never paid for it," as my Twitter profile reads), I have found myself doing a ton of reading: Fiction; Nonfiction (why not just call that "reality" the way we do TV... "Reality reading"?... As Micky Dolenz says, "I love alliteration!"); Newspapers & old issues of Rolling Stone; And probably some others that list doesn't cover which my thumbs have.
In my last blog, I mentioned an upcoming meeting/appointment with a counselor. (I certainly won't name her here, as there are apparently rules barring her from mentioning what we discuss to anyone else. I'm still sorry my previous counselor can't tell anyone about some of the still-to-come things I mentioned to her!!) She mentioned, among other things, that it might help to try being more social amongst my family (at the very least). Guess what?! Tried that, & discovered it's somewhat of a "no-go"; It seems much of my family listens to conversations like looking for "tags" on a blog. For instance, when my mother or sister hears me mention wrestling at all, they "tune-out" like Timothy Leary. This leaves me a few options: First, there's my father, somewhat of a local celebrity (especially when it comes to local sports), & I'd be happy to converse with him... However, when I texted him about events of today's Steelers game, he reminded me (in very-certain terms) I said I wasn't speaking to him anymore. I recalled this was due to a conversation we had when he was over last week for our then-weekly time watching wrestling together. (I'd rather not get into it; Suffice it to say I will not be changing my mind!) I also could talk to my nephews. However, both are too young to understand much of the words I find my adult self able to use very simply & regularly.
I then find myself looking for ways to simply "kill time". One early way that I tried (not originally planning on using it as a means to do so) was to attend a birthday party for my cousin's daughter... However, I then went into the math it was the 2nd birthday of her daughter, & the cousin herself was not born until I was a few years old! This made me think about what I've accomplished in my "X number of" years, which proved largely depressing. On to time talking with my sister (over the phone or in person)... This went OK, until I heard her yelling at one of my nephews. In addition to my never having been employed, I have no offspring to speak of. "Chalk that up" to never having dated anyone even once; While that assures I will also never be questioned by Maury Povich or police, it's another thing my sister & cousin have both accomplished I have not.
(It's kind of ironic, honestly: That previously-mentioned, yet-to-happen thing I discussed with my counselor has often been the reason I tell myself for not jumping off of a local bridge, as some of the necessary components still exist only in my head, so it could not be fully "done right" without me. That said, for whatever reason, it has "yet-to-happen", so it remains right up there with travelling to other continents as something I have never accomplished.)
I then often find myself reading. This seems relatively-easy & not-depressing, as well as being something I can do whether I am in my home or away from it. [I "killed time" reading a paperback recently (searching "Tweets" proves it to actually be Aug. 24th) while also drinking a diet soda at/near the local Mall's Food Court.] However, even with things already-printed-in-completion, I find myself with questions... For instance, I just yesterday finished "Split Second" by David Baldacci. (Was first interested in it years ago, & having watched first season of "King & Maxwell" series on TNT, became so all over again.) But the book now comes with a preview of his next book, simply titled "King & Maxwell", due out this month! To read or skip?! (Finally, chose to read, & it barely mentions them, & "Edgar", my favorite character on show, even less! Disappointed again!) Now, onto "Ghost In The Wires", "reality reading" by Kevin Mitnick. (Feel better about this one; Good review by creator/producer of "White Collar", & interesting Foreword by Steve Wozniak, who I wouldn't know if I hadn't seen him on "The Big Bang Theory".)
But, when done "in whole", shouldn't reading just remind me more of the writing I have yet to (technically) accomplish?! (I wrote a ton of "short stories" roughly 15 years ago, & have tried contacting the "big name" publishers online, but no responses yet.) Worse yet, even travelling on foot (I call myself "the king of the walking trips") just reminds me I come from the same town as Dave Grohl, who has accomplished so much more (& made so much more money doing it) than me!
Therefore, I largely find myself attempting to write for online fiction sites (though this is where I believe the aforementioned hackers to have originated, & I am often left to "submitting" the same story "threads" repeatedly on subsequent days), or posting about things on Twitter (though, as I mentioned, it's often about the fictional characters I'm regularly watching do things, or the fictional characters I'm reading that are either doing things or deciding what they should do next).
All-in-all, an overall-largely-depressing practice.
Even so, it seems my financial rations from my previously-blogged-about "guardians" arrived this weekend, & tomorrow is the first day of the work week for many people in many companies, stores, etc... Maybe that can mean something good for me... And if not, at least screwing it up can be something I've accomplished.!
I try to keep my real first-&-last names off my blogs... [I've been hacked a few times, and as the fictional Richard Castle (@nathanfillion; I "follow" him on Twitter) says in the pilot, "Cuff me once, shame on you...".] However. if you know them & care to look on Facebook or Twitter, you will find me on both. (Fact: I remain rather active on Twitter, & apparently added a new "friend" on Facebook recently I actually was in-person friends with a-decade-plus ago, but the me typing this blog has no actual access to the F-book account, leaving my sister to often read me a list of Facebook "friends" who leave me birthday wishes.)
Anyway, let me tell you what I've been up to in the few-weeks-or-so since I posted my last blog: Reading. That may sound boring to some of you, but it's actually been rather enjoyable for me. As you've probably "gotten" from my past blogs, I had a lot of doctors' (not sure where the apostrophe should go in that case) appointments in a little bit of time, so it was especially nice for me to be able to decide how to fill my time when I've had a seemingly-related break from them since. (I admittedly spent a ton of it sleeping, but I often found myself simply enjoying the fact I didn't have to be awake, doing laundry, etc.)
My family will probably admit that I've been doing more reading than many my age for a long time. Honestly, I read it once in a book by a still-active author (Stephen King) that “If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.” [The book was, ironically (no joke) called, "On Writing."] At the time, I thought that was a bunch of crap. Honestly, though, in the time I have been sort of "taking off" from writing (I have been "printed several times, but never paid for it," as my Twitter profile reads), I have found myself doing a ton of reading: Fiction; Nonfiction (why not just call that "reality" the way we do TV... "Reality reading"?... As Micky Dolenz says, "I love alliteration!"); Newspapers & old issues of Rolling Stone; And probably some others that list doesn't cover which my thumbs have.
In my last blog, I mentioned an upcoming meeting/appointment with a counselor. (I certainly won't name her here, as there are apparently rules barring her from mentioning what we discuss to anyone else. I'm still sorry my previous counselor can't tell anyone about some of the still-to-come things I mentioned to her!!) She mentioned, among other things, that it might help to try being more social amongst my family (at the very least). Guess what?! Tried that, & discovered it's somewhat of a "no-go"; It seems much of my family listens to conversations like looking for "tags" on a blog. For instance, when my mother or sister hears me mention wrestling at all, they "tune-out" like Timothy Leary. This leaves me a few options: First, there's my father, somewhat of a local celebrity (especially when it comes to local sports), & I'd be happy to converse with him... However, when I texted him about events of today's Steelers game, he reminded me (in very-certain terms) I said I wasn't speaking to him anymore. I recalled this was due to a conversation we had when he was over last week for our then-weekly time watching wrestling together. (I'd rather not get into it; Suffice it to say I will not be changing my mind!) I also could talk to my nephews. However, both are too young to understand much of the words I find my adult self able to use very simply & regularly.
I then find myself looking for ways to simply "kill time". One early way that I tried (not originally planning on using it as a means to do so) was to attend a birthday party for my cousin's daughter... However, I then went into the math it was the 2nd birthday of her daughter, & the cousin herself was not born until I was a few years old! This made me think about what I've accomplished in my "X number of" years, which proved largely depressing. On to time talking with my sister (over the phone or in person)... This went OK, until I heard her yelling at one of my nephews. In addition to my never having been employed, I have no offspring to speak of. "Chalk that up" to never having dated anyone even once; While that assures I will also never be questioned by Maury Povich or police, it's another thing my sister & cousin have both accomplished I have not.
(It's kind of ironic, honestly: That previously-mentioned, yet-to-happen thing I discussed with my counselor has often been the reason I tell myself for not jumping off of a local bridge, as some of the necessary components still exist only in my head, so it could not be fully "done right" without me. That said, for whatever reason, it has "yet-to-happen", so it remains right up there with travelling to other continents as something I have never accomplished.)
I then often find myself reading. This seems relatively-easy & not-depressing, as well as being something I can do whether I am in my home or away from it. [I "killed time" reading a paperback recently (searching "Tweets" proves it to actually be Aug. 24th) while also drinking a diet soda at/near the local Mall's Food Court.] However, even with things already-printed-in-completion, I find myself with questions... For instance, I just yesterday finished "Split Second" by David Baldacci. (Was first interested in it years ago, & having watched first season of "King & Maxwell" series on TNT, became so all over again.) But the book now comes with a preview of his next book, simply titled "King & Maxwell", due out this month! To read or skip?! (Finally, chose to read, & it barely mentions them, & "Edgar", my favorite character on show, even less! Disappointed again!) Now, onto "Ghost In The Wires", "reality reading" by Kevin Mitnick. (Feel better about this one; Good review by creator/producer of "White Collar", & interesting Foreword by Steve Wozniak, who I wouldn't know if I hadn't seen him on "The Big Bang Theory".)
But, when done "in whole", shouldn't reading just remind me more of the writing I have yet to (technically) accomplish?! (I wrote a ton of "short stories" roughly 15 years ago, & have tried contacting the "big name" publishers online, but no responses yet.) Worse yet, even travelling on foot (I call myself "the king of the walking trips") just reminds me I come from the same town as Dave Grohl, who has accomplished so much more (& made so much more money doing it) than me!
Therefore, I largely find myself attempting to write for online fiction sites (though this is where I believe the aforementioned hackers to have originated, & I am often left to "submitting" the same story "threads" repeatedly on subsequent days), or posting about things on Twitter (though, as I mentioned, it's often about the fictional characters I'm regularly watching do things, or the fictional characters I'm reading that are either doing things or deciding what they should do next).
All-in-all, an overall-largely-depressing practice.
Even so, it seems my financial rations from my previously-blogged-about "guardians" arrived this weekend, & tomorrow is the first day of the work week for many people in many companies, stores, etc... Maybe that can mean something good for me... And if not, at least screwing it up can be something I've accomplished.!
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